Christmas Conundrum.

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So now that Christmas is upon us once again, and those classic specials are airing and ABC is cutting the best parts out of A Charlie Brown Christmas so they can play more commercials, as is tradition, I gotta ask.

What was wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys?

All the other misfit toys all had something obviously wrong with them. The Jack-in-the-Box’s name was actually Charlie, the water pistol shot jelly, the train had square wheels, the elephant was pink and polka dotted.

What was the Doll’s deal?

I remember there being a version of the special where she cries ice cubes or something, but they don’t show that one anymore. I read there was a version where she was weird because she cried real tears whereas other toys can’t, which is a terrible message so they got rid of that. Someone on reddit recalled her saying she’s a Raggedy Ann doll that isn’t raggedy. Got rid of that too.

So now there’s a completely normal, totally adorable doll who would be perfect under any little girl’s tree, sulking for being a freak on a frozen island in the middle of freaking nowhere.

Apparently, according to Word of God, the Doll was added in at the last minute, so they couldn’t come up with an obvious problem right off the bat. So what was their solution? The Doll’s problem is completely psychological.

I gotta say, that’s pretty fucking dark for a Rakin-Bass special. She’s a Misfit and put into exile because she’s mentally disturbed? Damn! I dunno about you guys, but I would have just taken the ice cube tears.

Then again ice cube tears must be pretty fucking painful, which in turn would just cause more psychological problems. 

Okay this is getting too dark. Let’s change the topic.

What the FUCK is wrong with Kris Kringle’s face?

That is some Exorcist shit right there. Like, watch the special and count how many times this dude doesn’t emote at all beyond opening his mouth to one side and dilating his pupils.

Also, The Grinch did nothing wrong.

Look at this fucking thing! It’s like it was specifically invented to make as much noise as possible! I dunno about you guys, but I’d get pretty pissed off too if my neighbors were playing this monstrosity day in and day out.

And the less said about Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer the better.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. GET OUT OF MY HEAD

Fuck it, I’ll stick with the chopped up Charlie Brown Christmas. Better than A SOLID MINUTE OF THE WORDS “GRANDPA’S GONNA SUE THE PANTS OFF OF SANTA” OVER AND OVER.

Anyhoo, have a Merry December, everyone!